!!!

02:02 AM

well, my health has just been up a bit but i'm burning up this night without paying any attention to my fever :) i was online, talking to my bff for hours about him...again!

nothing jun advised me makes any difference now, yet it helps me to recognize that i'm blind in love and so stupid that strangers once look at me would feel pity for me and blame on me for being idiot. you know, you are compassionate but you don't feel it until it really happens to you.

perhaps the only reason to break us apart is the distance. it's not only the distance from one country to another, but also my mind to his. sometimes i wonder if i'm beating the air, if my wait is worth this relationship, whether he still keeps those feelings about me. 

but you know what, i've been in love with three men and those relationships are long distance ones at all. i used to lose my first because i didn't hold and trust him, the second because of the fragile gap between life and death and maybe the third because of the distance between our minds. 

the distance seems to be such a reason to explain every question "why?"

my bear, have you ever wondered why i couldn't stop calling you "bear"? it's because the bear is the only thing that's close to me the most and i just want to get close to you as much as i do to my stuffed-bear. because you are to me as warm as a bear. you hated that nickname, ok i shut up! but once you are not my bear anymore, i kinda doubt about everything...between you and me.

are you the right person for me, will? i'm absorb in my thoughts about you, about this invisible unclear relationship, about this question over and over again. if you and i were made for each other, what was the point in waiting? what was the point about the distance?

is it changing? everything? you'd tell me that seven years were the long time to prove our love, but i'm so afraid of singing the song "seven years one love" of Kyun Hyun someday. you know, i shan't regret my long wait if it's worth...yet how about it's not?

i can't count exactly how many times you've betrayed my faith, it's so hard to tell myself to forget and forgive everything in spite of those scars that still stick on this heart. why don't we get this straight once and for all? 

yup, because i can't break it to my heart so i keep pretending from time to time to relieve myself that you are still yourself...someone i used to know, someone gave me strength to stand alone again, someone answered me any silly questions, someone teased and made me laugh, someone was very patient for me, someone sang to pamper me despite himself, someone gave me butterflies and goosebump each time i heard his voice,...where are you now, willian?

you are willian, forever willian to me...not that sorta stranger named anankin like this. i can't find the old one inside you anymore, should i carry on this love? this paranoid love?

the next valentine, we're gonna reach four years anniversary...i'm willing to wait for you until the very day. you yourself is the one deciding whether i move one or not. stop it or re-start everything...years sound great to assure this relationship but the truth is...how many days or months are we for each other?

in your eyes, i'm probably childish and shallow. however, i'm really serious about this relationship and i've been putting my real efforts and emotions for it so much that it's enough power to kill me now.

well, you must not have got time to care or think about me because of your grandpa's death. forget this time, so how about other times? who am i on your mind? i dunno and dun really care anymore...

if you want me to do, i may give up on you. although it's hard to death, nothing is impossible. forgeting and replacing me seem to be as easy as changing a T-Shirt. you were correct, i don't understand you well...but have you ever really wanted to let me go into your world to make it work?

i'm crying. i'm painful. but you won't never know :) it's all right.

dear emotional me, you win! again you are controling whole myself from body to mind...it's 02:43 am now :)

...today is 23rd :)

peace,

- Hal