The 4th monthsary :)

I believe everything changes but he is the only exception. 

He's changed now, though.

It is raining outside and he never comes...

Raindrops. Teardrops. An aching soul.

Life gest tougher and tougher and people are too busy to mind of what used to be their most loved ones, causing them to forget the best moments they once share and obviously, no reasons to remain them :)

I do miss the 2-month-ago-guy who would do anything to see the sight of me no matter how horrid we had argued before. 

...but his dead silence is poisoning me in the most cruel way that I've ever experienced. 

It's painful...yet I have to face the reality whether I like it or not.

When Fun has gone, Romance has died, Love seems to be the habit of wanting someone when you don't have anything else to entertain. 

:)

Happy the fourth monthsary, Hallie!

I guess I won't count the months together again :) it's terrible as the thought of calculating the days left he's with me. The fear for losing him increases day by day and I have no idea of how to make it easier for me to bear. I cry more. My heart aches much. And know that he won't be here to comfort me again. Something different...

Does he still love me no matter what as he used to say?

"I love you" seems to become rare :)

After all, I'm forever such a cry baby. Weak. Stupid. Vulnerable and Good for nothing :)

If only he could see how painful he has put me through in recent time... It seems to go beyond my endurance!

Pray for Paris!

My deepest condolences and thoughts go those lost in Paris last night and to their families. Even though there is no one there now that might put me in hours of fear, tears and anxiety, somehow a mood of melancholy descended on me for some reasons.

Perhaps it was because Paris has always remained its most significant meaning in my heart with a countless number of memories regardless of the fact that I have never set my foot on the city for once in my life time. 

The notions of the city naturally comes from beautiful stories by former paramour, beloved brothers and besties about parisians, simple happiness and a sense of serenity that you merely discover if you use your heart to touch, through French - the language of love, music, culture, people and even the simplest daily life routine of some passers-by by chance you happen to encounter day by day. 

*sorry for the wave of nostalgia*

I miss the image of Paris that I always draw and keep it safe in my heart and to my belief, it wouldn't disappoint me at the first sight I see it :) The promise to Paris together with mah buddy one day is seemingly shaking due to unwanted and unpredictable elements...

Dear you,

How have you been up there in paradise? My life hitherto has been running on the right path that I yearned for, therefore I temporarily buried all the past along with the dust of you scattered on the river that day, kept it as such the most precious treasure but the scene of multiple terrorist attacks is impossible to neglect for your family is still there and maybe unsafe.

With God, I hope you will support and keep not only your family but also others' in a good condition. I am praying for them too, from the bottom of my heart. 

:) 

"- What's about us?

- We always have Paris"

Tomorrow is gonna be another day. Trust me. #prayforParis

I ❤ Me

It must have got painful as your loved ones show you their entire detachment when you are in the worst conditions, particularly they are those who you call your family. 

However, in my case, I felt nothing but drawing a faint smile as hearing the statement "She's not my business anymore" from the mouth of the one I've have been loving for lifetime while another keeps grumbling to me about how much I bother them with my constant poor health as the most terrible burden they've ever shouldered. 

They wish I could never exist :) 

I used to head into my bedroom, lock the door and start to sob uncontrollably for the sense of both shock and disappointment since those kinds of words were beyond endurance. It was hurtful and too bitter to easily turn back to normal later on...I can forgive but hardly forget :) At times, I fell so deep with this untold sorrows and had to deal with depression until one day, without warning, I become numb and show blank expression towards who seem to verbally hurt me. 

Today was not an exception. There are things that are beyond my control and honestly, I'm incapable of how to avoid them but they still find their way to come to me. It's totally not my fault, either. 

I have never expected anyone in this world either paying attention on me, feeling sorry for me or forcing themselves to have a responsibility to take care of me. Though, don't give me reasons to hate myself and regret my existence on Earth since it has taken me a long period to learn how to love and respect this current me.

Anyway, I guess I am habituated to live in solitude and do appreciate this state. Tomorrow, I'll arrive at the hospital in town to have a check :)) I meant to ignore my symptoms of erymthema but as I said above, I love myself and I don't need to let nobody hurt me mentally and physically again :)

...long time no go off to wander along the lonely tracks, write such an emotional entry like this one, have dinner alone outside and ride the electric bike around the city to gasp fresh air, think of nothing. I did enjoy the night, not a way to escape from the bare painful truth because I'm feeling...NOTHING :))

You are gradually losing the best in me. Even if there is no one loving me, I would always be the one who loves me first :)  

Take care,

Hal

Mệt

Đôi khi cảm thấy mệt mỏi cả nhiều chuyện buồn quá, đặc biệt bước chân về nhà chỉ toàn những thứ không cần và không nên nghe lại cứ phải nghe tới nghe lui như một thứ âm thanh bất khả kháng. 

Nhưng cái gì dần rồi cũng thành thói quen. Món ăn dở đến mấy ăn mãi rồi cũng thành quen. Mình quen chịu đựng nhiều chuyện từ bé đến tới giờ, riết rồi cũng thích nghi khá tốt với nhiều chuyện không hài lòng.

Bây giờ lớn rồi, già rồi nên suy nghĩ cũng già đi khá nhiều. Nói ít, cười nhiều, than vãn cũng bớt đi hẳn, sống trầm hơn lúc trước nhiều và kiểu không để tâm nhiều lắm tới những gì có thể khiến mình buồn. 

À là bớt sensitive đi đấy. Cơ mà đôi khi vẫn hay tự upset mình bằng những thứ không hay ho của người khác, hiểu lầm rồi đủ thứ nhặng xịt lên rồi cuối cùng tự xem lại đáng không, thấy không đáng rồi lại "ừ thôi" xong lại cười nhạt :) 

Chả biết bao giờ mới được thanh thản thoải mái đầu óc được lâu lâu một tí...chớ thấy mệt quá :))

Lại than =))

Thôi, coi hoạt hình Barbie hay coi hài gì đó xong chuẩn bị lên chuồng ngủ cho khoẻ đây. Thế thôi!

Change?

It's been a while I am not longer habituated to write blog daily as how I would do in former period of time. Perhaps the cause of it stems from investing most of my time on real life and you know, the material life that the more you grow up, the more you have a tendency to chase instead of much concentrating on your state of spiritual starvation. 

It seems to me that I am gradually getting lost myself in this physical and realistic world having its power to become more appealing with a bunch of temptations that potentially seduce you out of spiritual world that in turn offers you a peaceful state of mind. 

I miss the time when writing blog and reading novels became a necessary part of my life. I could sit for hours writing fictions, pouring my expression on pages, making a heart-lightened stories on my own, wandering along the lonely tracks in amusement and delight, enjoying every second to live in solitude. Other time, I would listen to instrumental music, go deeper into myself and find the serenity closest to me for the only time. 

I wonder where those me-myself-and-I moments at the present...

I'm bound up in working, studying, hooking up with friends, chatting to virtual individuals, talking to boyfriend, reading skin-care product feedbacks, taking care of outward appearance rather than nourishing inner beauty. How changeable a person would be, even I myself am not aware of this progressively albeit excessively alternation until one day, I found neither reasons nor meaning of life for the day since the routine just goes round and round like a circle without any special points or highlights to be marked.

Sadly, everything is no longer the same, particularly the halicious me that I used to be :) Anw, I must move on forward no matter what 'cause once the time has gone, I'd never be able to find a ticket go back. I would save them as my innocent memories, sometimes looking back at them and reflecting how I have become so far. 

Dear life, I love you no matter what kind of form you are. The more I experience and discover you, the more I treasure you :)