I ❤ Me

It must have got painful as your loved ones show you their entire detachment when you are in the worst conditions, particularly they are those who you call your family. 

However, in my case, I felt nothing but drawing a faint smile as hearing the statement "She's not my business anymore" from the mouth of the one I've have been loving for lifetime while another keeps grumbling to me about how much I bother them with my constant poor health as the most terrible burden they've ever shouldered. 

They wish I could never exist :) 

I used to head into my bedroom, lock the door and start to sob uncontrollably for the sense of both shock and disappointment since those kinds of words were beyond endurance. It was hurtful and too bitter to easily turn back to normal later on...I can forgive but hardly forget :) At times, I fell so deep with this untold sorrows and had to deal with depression until one day, without warning, I become numb and show blank expression towards who seem to verbally hurt me. 

Today was not an exception. There are things that are beyond my control and honestly, I'm incapable of how to avoid them but they still find their way to come to me. It's totally not my fault, either. 

I have never expected anyone in this world either paying attention on me, feeling sorry for me or forcing themselves to have a responsibility to take care of me. Though, don't give me reasons to hate myself and regret my existence on Earth since it has taken me a long period to learn how to love and respect this current me.

Anyway, I guess I am habituated to live in solitude and do appreciate this state. Tomorrow, I'll arrive at the hospital in town to have a check :)) I meant to ignore my symptoms of erymthema but as I said above, I love myself and I don't need to let nobody hurt me mentally and physically again :)

...long time no go off to wander along the lonely tracks, write such an emotional entry like this one, have dinner alone outside and ride the electric bike around the city to gasp fresh air, think of nothing. I did enjoy the night, not a way to escape from the bare painful truth because I'm feeling...NOTHING :))

You are gradually losing the best in me. Even if there is no one loving me, I would always be the one who loves me first :)  

Take care,

Hal