The hardest thing for me is forcing myself to beam up and act like I'm all right in order to relieve others.
I never wanna make my life become blighted by those stupid tragedies but the more I move away to get out, the closer the monster comes to me.
Sometimes I'm afraid and willing to fade away like time for I taste bitter and insipid. You know, I'm insecure and vulnerable, easily pissed off and broken...if only someone might understand me well. yup, if only...
You could see me smile and make jokes all the time because in your eyes, I'm optimistic, impartial and happy with this life. Thereat, you shouldn't trust me when I say I'm upset or something. How come sorta person like me know what sorrows mean? =] you're correct, that's the Hallie I just wanna show you all, guys :x it's on the right way for people to look at me.
I'm here back to NT after a double days, having fun and getting more strength and power to face the reality up coming. Yet I actually cried much more than I smiled these days, believe me or not, I don't wanna explain or complain anything with my friends...they shouldn't worry for me or consider about my future instead of taking happy time with me.
Only two days with enough every tone of emotions, my friends must have found me being extremely happy, mischievous, talkative, sense of humor and childish much more than ever lolz~ Well, I faked those emotions so well that they believed I was quite straight and walking on the flowery fields =] although inside me, there is such a beautiful mess which I dunno how to get out in fact.
Anyway, thanks to my close friends, I honestly forgot myself completely when I was with them and somehow it turned myself back to the innocent little girl. You know, I'm happy with them and only wish them to take a bright time once they named me miss Sunshine :) they shouldn't touch to the dark side of me. never. not once.
Life is complicated and tough, at least to me in this case. Sorry I'm not simply a smiling doll or a saint turning all the dark things into bright ones by smiles, if it was possible, I must do it for myself firstly to recover all the pains.
It ain't easy for me to take it simple or hold it in peace longer :)) Well, okay, that's my life and nobody could fix it but me. Frankly I'm too TIRED, pretty pretty TIRED to have any joy in life to carry on...
Nevertheless, I couldn't give up on everything as my promise. No hell wanna b a liar to myself, I gotta fight until losing my last breath no matter what happens, no matter how hard it is, no matter how damn the world would be...even when I've turned off all of my emotions to work with a blank mind. It's fine.
Moving on my tireless efforts without even a linger hope seems to be the stupidest and damnedest things in the world =] Haha I'm not that kinda person but now I am and I have to be. How damn it is!
Life is unfair then I don't have the right to compare or blame on anything :)) I'm tired =)) I do wish to get someone to complain and whine and cry and fling myself into that one's arm to catch a minutes for my own because I'm too tired..
How could I cope with the burden of karma? Did I make loads of mistakes in my previous incarnation?
Life...means an enormous blank in my heart!
- Hal
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