It came to my deeply sadness as knowing that he decided to shut me out of his life forever with his damn clinical detachment. Merde, what makes him behave in a such stressful way like that? Lovers or nothing...yeah, I chose nothing because he didn't give me the most ultimate option that I was expecting - friendship.
I'd rather have close male friends than pick one boyfriend and torture myself like I used to do. It's like the air weighs more for me, pushes me down and wears me out because I am out of breath after hours being close to him but feeling a horrid big gap between us and his attitudes did stress me out.
...And one day, without either of us saying it, we are no longer close friends as how we used to be and here I am suffering the bitterness all alone as it is difficult for me to confide in anyone about this matter once I never label it clearly but just good friends.
Nothing was ever the same between us again. My heart tightens somehow and gets intensively tingling but unfortunately, I am not capable of bawling my eyes out once and for all in order to lessen this kind of uneasy feeling. However, I cannot even shed a tear right now...perhaps because I have got used to bury my emotions to prove this inner strength to the world for so long that gradually I have become such an emotionless person, feeling properly blank and having no way to express distress.
It'd better dismiss him from my mind and concentrate on my languages instead of wasting my time here blogging much about something same-script-different-cast. The most obvious evidence for this unreadiness is all the shitty guys I've attracted into my life and the endless dramas I've got myself into, eventually leading me to the dept of untold sorrow and I swear I'd never love to taste it again.
Should I either be proud of or frightened of having a bunch of close friendships with guys? Most of time I do have incredible pleasure, yet I am also confronted of a vast amount of tragedies that I would never be able to forgive myself.
Am I cruel to them? I treat them very nicely then end up with one statement "it's impossible to...". Finally they came to dislike me pretty much, some even hated me for the rest of their lives. Although it is taken for granted that I fake to become so innocent that I have no idea how strongly love would probably conceive from the basic foundation called "friendship" since I am mature enough to acknowledge that there is no such a friendship between a girl and a guy, truth to be told that I truly have so far many genuine friendships and sis-broships which rarely jump beyond the thin line of mere friends and brothers. None of people believe in those male-and-female friendships but I do and am not going to cut the bond of them just because of some false judgement on my own conception.
Of course, there are some exceptions over time involved in cases such as someone by chance falls in love with me or vice versa, as I mentioned above, though it ought to depend on the condition and also our current situation as well. Anyway, I'm done with this! Whatever! I'm so fucking sick of over-concerning others' feelings =.=
Like an omen, my bff (another man lolz) this morning sent me a song covered by him and you know what, the name of it was "Bye bye Love" ha ha ha Luckily, I am not in love :))) What is love? The answer is: poison!
I'mma off for Japanese now,
Love
xoxo
Hal
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