A blank heart

30 days until Xmas

Is it possible that whatever I've been sacrificing is just a waste of time and effort? 

I even forgot my future, my dream and left everything behind because I didn't wanna be a trial to anyone else so I'm here and do something stupid which is killing me inside.

Nobody really cares what I've done for them. And I don't even mind boasting about my deeds, either. But at least I need a real respect, not that sort of words as if I did nothing.

Why do they never think that my stupid situation is only for the sake of themselves?

Who am I in this world? Who am I to everybody? What do I have to sacrifice and suffer too many troubles for? Why do I have to think of others first? What am I doing now? Give me a clue, plz!

Sometimes I wonder who I am, what I am doing once I accept the ruthless truth that all my dream, future and even my passion have been buried six feet underground. What am I existing for?

Though I still smile, still try to be optimistic, try to please everybody, try to make them happy, try to do everything I don't love, try to be as good as possible. Even when I'm in the darkest circumstances, I only dare to cry quietly because I'm afraid of making them worry about me.

Likely, it's in vain. People are too selfish to think for the sake of someone else. No matter how much I convince myself "Everything is gonna be fine" or "Tmr is another day", yet everything will never be fine and tomorrow is another grey day again =]

I hate weeping...I hate being this weak...I hate being this pitiful...I hate holding my fears and doubts about my next steps in the future inly while showing another mask in public. 

I hate myself for restraining my emo so well that I rarely bawl my eyes out before everybody but my bff, that people look at me like she's sense of humor, she's good student good daughter, happy family, not bad appearance, she's optimistic, she's lucky, she's a positive thinker always blah blah and if she complains anything, it's just the way she exaggerates her full life =]

I'm not so unoccupied that I may invent more dramas and negative thoughts.

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Dear mon chéri, if only I was brave and selfish enough to end my life after you'd gone forever. Maybe the next world would be easier for me as I'd have you beside me at least. You leave me here alone in this damn world to face everything like this, I don't wanna carry on anymore...It's tough and rough!

Tell me the meaning of the life without you with me?! I'm drained general...indeed drained enough to let things run its course.

I have no idea what I am struggling day by day for, for whom I should exist, what my goal should be :)

Death scares me no longer because I've got nothing to lose...nothing really ties me here in this world, even myself...I don't need this body again.

The smell of lavender is still here in my heart...but where are you now? somewhere in heaven...standing alone and praying for me?

Your Hallie isn't strong, your Hallie isn't all right...she doesn't wanna fake meaningless smiles once more time. 

Everything is blurry and everyone's so fake...I wish I could shorten my ages to share the ones who need this life much more than me due to the fact that I'm keen on dropping off asap to fly towards you, reunite you and love you as the old days.

Merci anh :) my universe will never be the same...I'm glad you came to my life and taught me LOVE!

Si loin de ton ciel...si loin de mon appel. Entends-tu mon coeur? Entends-tu ma ferveur?

Bless me,

- Hal