People and troubles

Could people always put others beyond themselves, this world would certainly be better than ever. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I should be swept away by this life-river, although I must learn the way to accept it and try to find out good sides of others to love and treat them nicely no matter how mean they are, not less than ten times I’m under the impression that I’m at the end of my tether which causes me to strain my mind so much that I reckon I’m kinda mental…seriously!

It’s like when you put up from these to those heavy stones on your heart in order to avoid hurting others by your words or actions, to catch the sins that should be worth another’s heavy price; as the high time comes, those matters would make your blood boil and you just want to throw yourself upon them to slap then dragging them to hell because they deserve to be burnt by the evil flame *palming face*

Sorry myself for those cruel thoughts coming over my mind in a trice. Yet I was truly pissed off and astonished by dirty things and horrible words that they had done behind my back instead being frank with me. Because we were at cross-purposes, they might do something bad to me like that? They made everything jump from bad to worse and fucked me up by bullshits, it was too bad to fix and I’m the one in who is stuck in this fucking damn problem to make it up and to apology for those childish and stupid behaviors.

They said to me that they regret doing those stuffs and understood amiss of me completely. At the point of fact, I was struggle in my disordered memories to check if I might see something good about them to love and treat them well once more. It is easy to forget, and once I say I've forgot means I've forgiven everything. Actually I prefer keeping good things people have done for me to having bad things in my mind, “good” is always better than “bad”, “love” is always easier than “hate” and “cheerful” is absolutely straighter than “hostile”.

Well, I’m childish and joky all the time whenever I’m with my beloved brothers, friends, parents or even strangers but somehow I couldn't be less serious nor strained as dealing with those people. How could I become myself while others don’t do the same? Do they see me be so goody-goody these days?

They are worth that freaking behavior!!! If they just suppose I’m merely such a little bitch messing up everything, being clumsy, talking too much, doing nothing and sometimes having some weird ideas, it’s all right :-j I don’t mind at all, indeed. But why do they call my name when they are in needs? Why do they have to call this troublemaker to clean up all troubles? Am I sorta cleaner or a bin to contain troubles? Lolz~

This is the last time :) and I've done! I’m not a machine to do and suffer those stuffs from time to time. You know, it’d better leave at once to keep good things in my mind, I should not wait until I don’t have even a good piece of them left to remember. And again, I have to forget myself and basic factors of a human-being: “selfish”, “spiteful”, “insatiable”, “mean”, “cruel”,…where are those adjectives now?

Dear life and heart, I’m not saint or superman to save others’ lives while destroy mine. You know, I’m willing to sacrifice…if they deserve. But what if they don’t? Please, don’t tell me that human-beings are the same, I’m not allowed to differentiate between friends and enemies to adjust my manners. Anyway, I’m just a little girl and this world is too big to control. Let me be selfish a bit to protect myself first, okay? 

Thank God, I dunno how to swear or beat someone black and blue to blow my anger away. And how magical it is, I never hate or get mad at someone over 24 hours. Tomorrow is another day for real, surely I shall forget and of course it means forgiveness. Trust me, no matter how mean you treat me, I’d never wish you would go to hell or be struck by misfortune. Everybody has two sides, just try to look at the good side to console myself “Oh, at least that one used to be nice to me” :-j Because life has two sides as well, I’d rather enjoy the bright side than be sunk deeply in the dark side of life.

Frankly I need to spend a time to meet psychologist for recovering my balance and getting a stable mind. Perhaps I’m mental somewhat this time, getting through everything ain’t as easy as I supposed. At least, my smiles and my optimistic power worked very well though :) It brings my bright days back to me so close. 

Am I strong, babe?!

I’m tired and exhausted…but don’t worry, it’s over eventually, Hallie :)

Peace,

- Hal

Ps: Who may light the sun on me once more time?