Pains, tears and heart

It's outta my ability to distract myself from the matter anymore, I'm not ready for it...totally not ready indeed.

As soon as I'd picked up the phone from Jun at noon and heard his voice hurriedly at the other side "...just cry if you want to, babe. Ok, it's good for nothing but it shows you at least have a warm heart inside. Trust me, we are human beings and I never want you to own a stone heart, Hal...", I buried my face into my Willy bear and let out a mancry for a few minutes with the phone was yet connecting. I knew he was there to hear the sound of my sob, he wouldn't hang up until I stopped.

I'm tired...so fucking tired, babe! 

Still remember the last time I carried the most horrifying wound in my entire life at the end of December one year ago which did shatter all my own world too badly to sense how painful I should be in that case. And I bit and hurt myself to be ache enough to let tears drop...

I thought that I had no reason for living again, but I didn't dare to make any stupid mistakes which might lead me to the miserable life forever because I'm owning this life and I have to pay for it...Consequently, I eliminated everything to gather all my courage and strength to stand alone again and I supposed I would never cry again, never ever. I was so strong that it made me surprised sometimes but it didn't fix anything.

It is almost believable that after that horrifying wound, there's nothing else on the planet that I can't get through because I was alive after that. Speaking for this time, what if it gets wrong? what if it hurts me? what if it thrusts me into the hardest press? I'm not scared though.

Months ago, I could find the reason to move on...thus this time, I need and I HAVE TO do!!!

I cried. done. it makes me relieve a bit. I'm sure that tears don't help anything but give me a pause of time to breathe for a while before knowing what to do next. If people didn't have tears, they would never know how to exist I swear.

- Hal

e grazie mille, il mio migliore amico!