Love

last night, i seemed to burn up all night until 4 am or more for listening to my playlist, crying, feeling exhausted, crying, thinking, hugging my willy bear, thinking and thinking and crying over and over again...the more i kept thinking, the more my tears were flooded my pillow. it hurt me so badly indeed.

to be honest, i was quite sleepy, worn out for the sake of thinking and weeping; my mind truly needed to fall into sweet dreams as my wish but i somehow couldn't keep myself from thinking about what he had talked to me, about my future and about the present.

love. suppose that i've done with it from yesterday, it's not about my mind anymore. because i fucking love him so i don't want to consider again. i shall wait even though it would be in vain in the end, who knows; this is love anyway and once you're in love, you shouldn't use your brain to decide if it would take you back benefits or not. 

although i actually don't know what i ought to label this relationship. he is not my boyfriend now, at least during this long tough stage, not lover or summat. we are not in relationship actually. we are not strangers, either. he is simply the most significant person in my entire life who has gone along together with me through the long road so far and i'm wondering whether or not it may keep lasting on the way to the future. truly it's impossible to foresee because who knows the future.

if it has been done, because i want to stop considering or making choices again. it is enough. neither advices nor preventers really work for me any longer, as the person who understands my heart the most is only me-myself-and-i, not someone else. have they ever been in this case? could they really do what they are advising me? i don't blame on them on purpose, they worry and care for me when they said those words. i do appreciate it :) it means to me heaps.

and it can't be any plainer than the fact that i have been through a long distance relationship to know that it won't work for me. besides, i awake this is not the first time i'm in love with someone who is outta this country. not only love but also closest friends. 

well, i'm under the impression occasionally that my beloved people frequently tend to desert me by one way or another. it's simply my fate and i must pay it at any rate if i do believe in a worth ending for whatever i've been suffering. 

many times i get so lost and lonely here that i only reckon i could throw everything away and leave the sweet memories behind to move on my current life, to love another next to me, to be loved and do what a real couple should be.

yes, i tried and failed. the hardest for me to treat others is hurting and cheating them. as a matter of fact, i did break a few guys' hearts which causes me to feel uneasy each time i meet them again out of sudden on the streets for i have already known that an apology doesn't make sense at all.

do you have any reason to stop me once more time? yup, i used to doubt that i didn't love him and this strong sensation wouldn't have been cut clearly to declare i completely love him wholeheartedly if silence and distance had not scared and broken me into pieces so brutally like that.

sounds painful, eh? if it was a few years ago, i'd be complain and give up on him very easily due to the fact that i'm not the sort of patience and how much i hate having something unclear and complicated in my life. i don't wanna deal with problems. i swear. strangely enough, it is simply different right now.

maybe tomorrow is another day for real, maybe this complicated relationship makes us safe in our own world. i don't care what his troubles are and neither does he. we are only available when we are in need, that's enough.

frankly i don't care whether he loves me or not, whether i love him or not, whether we have a future. that doesn't matter to me, at least it's correct this time. 

as long as i love him, as long as my heart still skips a beat when his images come to my mind, as long as i see the peace when i think of him, as long as...yup, as long as my life has him, it's right evermore :) mon chér!

at last but not least, i'm not on the rebound or summat *giggling*. i'm straight indeed. and the song ain't about me nor my love story at all but this sentence:

một lần yêu ai đó, em sẽ cố yêu cho trọn đời

just be moved to tears by the new album of pham quynh anh, it got me to look back everything to recognize what a true love is. that's all.

- Hal