Dear diary,
I apologize to cease writing for years since I officially started to step into the adulthood. I must admit that I have tremendously altered to become a part of this society despite myself. To be honest, it is unfair if I confirm that I dislike the version I become today because she is not me although this version is supposed to be good and suitable if I would like to survive and be “normal” in this environment.
In case you are wondering what this version of me at the present would be like. Maturity. You are not allowed to be who you used to be as a child. You cannot cry if you are sad and you should not laugh or express yourself too much if you are happy because you must be polite and gentle. If you are straightforward, it means you do not have the communication skill and people will judge and even hate you for this. Sometimes, if you are silent and quiet so long because you have nothing to say, you would be labeled as an unfriendly person. You are not allowed to bring your sadness or sorrows anywhere but home because you are spreading negativity all over the places you come and that influences others’ mood. You have to put others first because the rule is people always want to be listened, not to be a listener. And of course many other things to tell…
Well…all the rules are from the passing years I have experienced and just recently learned from a well-known book named “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie. To become the best version of me for maturity, I have gone through loss, failure, love and even myself. These rules are useful and this “mature” me version is completely good enough but I cannot wonder why people always need to have tricks, put on a ton of masks, follow a million rules to be loved by others. Is it necessary in this adulthood? Sadly it is.
Yes, I used to be too stubborn to change my attitudes, thoughts because I assume those rules are unauthentic, and I hate it. I used to keep being who I was. I talked to those I was close and stayed quiet to those I did not like or have mood to talk. I showed my options in a frank way and I thought it was real although it did hurt others’ feelings. I cried when I was sad and I laughed when I was happy as a child but I did not understand that my negative energy influenced my colleagues’ mood for the whole day and my clear satisfaction on my face did not help me much to work with my clients.
Yesterday, my therapy asks me “Tell me which type of person you would like to talk?” Then she drew in my mind a person who had all the personal characteristics that I supposed they are authentic, and put me in another position to see “me”. If one day I came to the office and greeted a new comer, but she stayed quiet and did not even smile. She kept herself isolated because she thought she was not close to me so she did not want to talk. Do I like her? If my Monday morning was supposed to be extremely good but the girl suddenly came to the office and just cried and show her bad mood all day. Do I like her? If I wanted to help her and advised her something but she was consistent to her belief and even rejected your advice. Do I still want to work with her? If… and If…
No, I do not like her. The true is she was authentic, did not wear masks to please people and was straightforward, as I wanted to be. Yet someone like this is unacceptable and even I cannot accept her – Of course, it means I cannot accept myself either *bitter*
That is the reason why I decided to change.
The process was not as easy as I thought. There were failures, a broken heart, skin pigmentation disorders, unemployment and losses of important things in my life. I even did not think I could go through them all because I was not trained how to stand up and face all of these obstacles knocking my doors at once.
I was depressed and bottled up myself in my small room in order to just cry, complain and sleep all day to let the day pass by. Sometimes my mood was up a little bit after hanging out with my friend or reading a good self-help book but at the end of the day, all the negative thoughts just found their way to find me in dreams. For passing months, it was such a nightmare to me. I also wished that I would never wake up next morning *idiot*
You may laugh at my weakness but it was me. Fragile, vulnerable, emotional, sensitive and useless.
What pulls me out of the dark hole that I was falling and almost touching the hell is knowledge! Yes, it is the knowledge. I am not here to compliment self-help books or motivational quotes on the Internet. What I am mentioning here is how they really get into your mind, how they really awaken the deepest corner inside your mind and how your mind can control your thoughts to trigger your actions. I used to read many books during the period, attend to many personal development courses in hopes being more positive and finding the light at the end of tunnel. However, it did not work. It only worked at the moment I read and experienced, when I came home, all the bitter reality of how I had lost just flooded into my mind and washed everything – yes EVERYTHING- in positive vibes away *lol*
So, what changes me to become a better version of me? It was when my therapist called me over two hours for personal coaching with thousands of questions for me to answer and discover myself deeper. As I started to see my value, fortune and good conditions that I possess, I no longer focused on what I lost and how unfortunate I was. Then all the knowledge that I read, watched and learned from those courses became so powerful to easily flow into my mind and magically control my thoughts in a positive vibe.
I am learning from my mistakes, forgiving myself to become better, focusing on good things and especially holding a journal to express my gratitude to the universe for not leaving me alone to fight on this battle. As destiny, I always encounter good people in the worst situation no matter what.
Being mature is tough, yet the process to change is interesting and memorable. Some day I will look back and feel proud of how strong I was to get through all of it.
Today, to be perfectly honest, my phone screen was broken and it takes 2 million VND to have it fixed. The amazing news was I did not stay there to cry and feel bad about my situation but focused only on what I had so far. I feel blessed! No matter how many more shits this life would throw at my face, I will be grateful to collect them all in order to fertilize my beautiful flowers in the garden of soul.
"Everything always get worst before it becomes better." :)
Love,
Hal
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