Depression

For a moment, I supposed today would be a great day after taking the last examination and I would be totally free and happy since then. However I was absolutely wrong for it was the worst day I had ever had in June.

I do not deny that I'm weeping while typing these lines, yet I certainly declare that this is the last time my tears drop for someone else. People in the world are so ridiculous, they ask from me too much but never tend to pay me back for nuts. 

You may consider me such a shallow selfish bitch. If my love and kindness are free to give, I also expect the same thing from others as well. I am also a human being. I am neither angel nor superman that only gives and never needs to get.

God..I am tired. So tired that I do not want to say anything but smile to let it go easily. It hurts me. Yes, I'm kind of needy. I need love from my friends, from beloved people and I'm not ready to see them changing so fast this way.

They say to me that I'm immature. Although I have been in twenties, my behaviours and emtions always involve those of a mere kid with an impulsive heart. I'm stubborn. I'm selfish. I'm sensitive. I'm angry. I cry for little things and smile again if someone comforts me by sweet words. I'm childish. I'm silly. I'm naive. I'm stupid. My attitude is wrong. I have never done anything right. I'm talkative. I complain. I'm crazy. I make others tired and bored. I hate people. I love people. I care people. I set my heart too much on people. I treat them so nice as if I'm such a fool. 

What's wrong with this 20-year-old kid? Ain't it bad if I'm still a kid? A kid is always a good creature. However, the thing is he ain't capable of perceiving how ugly the big world out there is; therefore, he fails to control his attitude to fix some fake manners that all the people in adult world already know. Then is this the point?

I feel so sorry if I do not understand your world, guys. Yup, I'm really childish :) But this is who I am. No matter how hard I have been attempting to adapt your adult world, it turns out to be so strange and fake to me that I feel out of it. 

Dearies, I can't be serious. I love making jokes and cracking others up. Sometimes I have manners dictated by feeling and only care about my emotions. Things would always be a beautiful mess if I touch them. Even though everything I do is wrong at all, I'm proud of myself. At least I do not lead a life of vice and there is nothing as a big shame on me so far.

I don't cheat on people. I don't betray them. I'm harmless.

Let's see what they have done to me. I can't bear it.

From now on, I will be different :) Offically I've turned off my emotions *beep beep*

Whatever =] I don't care. Laugh and laugh like who cares :))

Be strong and don't let anyone else see this weak side, ok?! ^^~ Smile and this too shall pass. I think from this moment on, I'm not gonna be scared anything else again.

Peace,

~Hal

June 30th, 2012 : I cried for friends because I thought I didn't deserve it after everything I'd prepared for their birthday party.

June 30th, 2013: I cried for friends because they were not like what I had expected :)

... but June 30th, 2014: no more tears. I swear.