Crazy me - 20.10

This is the second time I have watched the TV series Queen’s Gambit. Somehow this time made me feel so much more depressed and emotional than the last time watching together with my husband.

I could put myself into the heroine’s shoe so well that I almost lost myself for some reasons. Maybe it just came at the right time I needed something obvious to convey how about my current situation. 

I thought that dream would no longer come and haunt me, but it is still there no matter how many years have gone. The dream actually is a nice one - unlike a nightmare or something too negative to be acceptable. Whenever I come across any pictures, songs, or movies on the internet which recalls me of my dream, my heart always skips a beat and suddenly it rises again in me, tortures me and causes me to be indeed devastated.

Please don’t ask me how I am. There is no answer now. 

I feel lonely. My husband, my parents and my friends are always there for me but I chose to be alone. I know it sounds weird. I was the one who pushed everyone away from me, leaving me a space to lick my wounds and let them naturally heal. At the same time, I also needed an embrace from them, just their presence with no words, no judgment, no advice and of course their unconditional love. 

Yes, I admit that I need love. I do. But when it comes to love, there is something uncertain inside me which makes me want to keep the distance from others. I’d rather live in my own world and learn to be independent than count on someone. Maybe it was wrong but I could not pin it down. 

So the best medicine for my soul is writing again like what I used to do in the past…

I burst into tears for a few times since yesterday for no reason. Yes. Really. No reason. My mind went crazy. I have been playing the song “End of the world” on loop :) 

“I wake up in the morning and I wonder why everything's the same as it was.

I can't understand, no I can't understand, how life goes on the way it does!”