Yesterday I had a phone call with my best friend in Canada. Honestly I called her to see her new-born twins but they seemed to be sleeping already. That’s why we had more time to talk to each other about many nice things.
Oh wow it has been one month already since her due date. She shared with me about her feelings and experience on the date in details because I’m the one with whom she can spend time on discussing about Buddhism.
I find it very interesting each time we talk about this subject. At least it can have my all concentration whenever I can have chances to learn about Buddhism. So now I just wanna keep her lesson in this post to re-read in the future.
Giving birth is a very long and painful process. She had to leave her stomach empty for more than twelve hours while waiting for the right moment. The contractions were extremely painful, she could help but crying her heart out but not because of the pain but because of the vision of hell. She could hardly understand why the image of hell in Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva Sutra suddenly came to her mind so vividly and clearly that made her have a vow for herself for the moment. She cried because of feeling bad for all the ghosts suffering in hell and also because of her fear for all the sins that she had made.
Sometimes, you have to go through pains to comprehend what you learned from books more deeply. We both agreed that it is blessing to know about Buddhism in this life, understand more about the meaning of life and death, about karma and how to get out of the cycle of reincarnation.
In the beginning, I didn’t wish to give birth or have babies or anything that potentially become my attachment in this life for I was scared that my will was not strong enough to let go, they would block my way of going after death. But my friend told me that what if all the lessons of having a baby would give me more reasons and motivation to leave this world easily since the good and bad experiences could make me feel less emotional about this life.
To be perfectly honest, I am not fond of having a baby and thankfully my hubby feels the same. But if we have to carry one, so we have no choice. Don’t think that I’m selfish or something. I’m not interested in feeding a baby because I am not responsible and mature enough to take care of someone well. Moreover, somehow I just want to spend more time on practicing and chanting, keeping my energy for Buddhism and social activities if possible. I cannot find myself as a good mother either. Whatever!
However, I guess my hubby and I will change our decision in the future for some special reasons. Who knows. For now, I just feel tense and stressed to see all of my peers showing their babies on social media, expressing how much happy and blessed to have babies and the husbands suddenly became invisible to their subjects lolz~ Babies are their whole world :))
Of course I respected this but please don't have wish me to have a baby soon or something like this. It's so weird. What they want is not what others want :)) I just wanna escape and stay alone all the time. Huhu
Love,
Hal
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